


Hidan gives a heart to Kakuzu as a get well soon gift because he's a fucking dickhead

by Frostberry



Series: Kakuzu and Hidan being very Australian dickheads [9]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Divorce, Gen, Zambrero did you hear me pls sponser me, boring as fuck because Kakuzu is actually very boring, cuntbank, hurr durr DIVORCE ME, its a heart attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-03 05:54:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14562324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostberry/pseuds/Frostberry
Summary: Hidan’s disastrous attempt at getting a legal separation from Kakuzu isn’t working. It’s time to be an asshole to his new found husband by bringing him the most romantic gift you can give an ex-doctor: a heart.





	1. Hidan is an x-ray for Halloween in August

After being proving he had nothing to do with Ino’s disappearance, Kakuzu returned to work, only to find himself overwhelmed by responsibilities. He had to take on Ino’s measly front counter job as a glorified credit card salesman  _ and  _ be an asshole manager everyone disliked. Kakuzu knew that Ino would not magically return from the dead, but could not tell them to stop the search as he had just been cleared as a suspect. 

One evening, Kakuzu came home dead tired, and decided that the best thing to do was to go to bed, without even watching his precious Gray’s Anatomy. While he was normally a light sleeper, he was in a deep sleep before his head touched the pillow. 

***

Then there was a sudden loud noise like a razor and Kakuzu woke up with a start. A sharp pain suddenly pressed against his wrist and - 

“Fucking hell! Stop squirming!” Kakuzu grabbed Hidan’s hand hard enough to snap his fingers.

“OW, MOTHER _ FUCKER _ !” 

There was a whinge as the unvaccinated neighbour child woke up. Hidan fell silent as his bones mended back in their place. 

Kakuzu turned his lamp on. Hidan seemed to have been wearing the same gross hoodie with holes in it, except his body had gone black and white, like the time he had murdered Ino. He hadn’t seen Hidan since he had bailed Kakuzu out of jail and broken his nose.

“What the hell is that?” Kakuzu pulled his arm back, seeing a red mark where black ink had been embedded into his wrist and onto his pillow. He blinked blearily, trying to focus his eyes. Giving up, he put his reading glasses on and tried to push Hidan off his bed. 

“It’s a tattoo pen, duh.” said Hidan. “For all those people that want the Southern Cross on their wrist.” 

“I don’t want a southern cross tattoo on my wrist.” 

“Pity. It would have been good. I would have given it five out of five stars.” 

The joke would have been funny to a normal person, but Kakuzu didn’t have much of a sense of humour. 

So Hidan had broken into his house and managed to get a tattoo machine to Kakuzu’s bed, his barefoot pressing the pedal, left hand holding the pen and stretching the skin with his right. That meant Kakuzu must have been exhausted enough to not hear an intruder come  _ into  _ his room, plug it in and get on his bed. Hidan tried again, managing to get a crooked stripe. 

“This is not sterile.”

“Who fucking cares? You aren’t a doctor now anyway.” 

Hidan crossed his legs on the Kmart quilt, looking like he had been partying for an entire week at a  _ Dia de Los Muertos _ festival. “Deidara stole this from Gaara’s tattoo parlour, check this out.” He shook the cartridge and spots appeared, flicking on Kakuzu’s face. 

Kakuzu checked his fitbit for the time. “It’s 4:30 am, can’t this wait several hours!?” Kakuzu growled, pushing Hidan hard enough off his bed that he fell off and onto the sleeping Taki. Hidan bounced on the carpet and got up, patting down his filthy hoodie with holes in it.

“It  _ can,  _ technically speaking, but like… I’m kinda in a fucked up situation, so yeah no. Anyway. Check it out.” 

The needle started buzzing again, this time on one of the whites patch on Hidan’s cheek. Kakuzu yawned. “What am I looking at?” He said, bored and tired, wanting to throw Hidan out the window, like he had already done several times before. 

_ Bzzzz. Bzzzz.  _ As soon as Hidan put the needle on his face, the ink would not flow. 

“I’M TRYING TO TATTOO MYSELF BACK TO NORMAL. I CAN’T CHANGE. YOU GOTTA HELP ME.” 

“Keep your voice  _ down _ .” Kakuzu growled. “How am I supposed to help you when you never  _ want  _ help when you need it!?” 

“I’ll keep my voice down if you let me  _ stay _ for a while.” 

“You never ask.” Hidan stayed here at least once a week on a regular basis. Most of the time Kakuzu didn’t know he was here until he spotted Hidan on the couch at five in the morning. “So how about… no?” 

“How about yes? I’m your husband, remember?” 

“So?” 

“And I stay here until this fucking black and white business wears off. It’s been a  _ fucking  _ week.” 

“Why?” 

“Because I cursed Orochimaru.” Now Kakuzu wished he didn’t ask because then Hidan took a deep breath and went off on a tangent. “Okay so after a three gym hour session, those trainers I fucking hate, they presented me with a voucher for some vegan shithole and I was like fuck you I’m not Sasori. So instead they arranged a voucher for a steakhouse-”

“Just fucking get on with it.” Hidan was very good at talking when needed, but never exactly got to the point of any conversation. 

“Izumo and Kotetsu were like, ‘ _ Hidan! You’re our top visitor this month _ !’ They were like being  _ extra  _ friendly and serious, like what the fuck. Anyway. So I was like, why the fuck not? Free food? So I walk there, and guess who I bump into on the way there? Your old fuck buddy, Orochimaru. The one we tried to kill last month and it didn’t work. Thanks for telling him I beheaded myself, by the way. He’s a slimebag snake with nothing better to do than be a cunt. Frickin’ thought it would be great to bite his thumb, stick it in my mouth. So I ran off before anyone could see my transformation.”

“...Right.” 

“And so I turned black and white as quickly as Sailor Moon jumps into a skirt. I look like I’m an X-ray for Halloween. In  _ August.”  _

“You know what?” said Kakuzu, getting up, sidestepping Hidan and Taki. He opened his bedroom door and pointed. “Go sleep on the couch. Leave me alone. I have to pick up extra shifts because of you. So piss off.” 

“This is worse than the time we tried to poison him!” The other month, Orochimaru had been found sneaking around their house. _ Snakes like to slither in people’s backyards,  _ Sasori had said, before telling Hidan to get Kakuzu. Sasori apparently hated Orochimaru, as he made Hidan’s psychotic outbursts look warm and friendly. 

Inspired by a  _ Breaking Bad _ binge, Hidan asked Kakuzu to make ricin from a recipe from  _ An Anarchist's Cookbook _ . Kakuzu had acquiesced because he wanted to challenge his rusty biochem skills, and because he liked to switch up murder methods. Kakuzu came by with the packet of ricin, and Sasori made Orochimaru some tea to put it in. Unfortunately Orochimaru did not drink it, as he only ate air, but the amount Kakuzu had put in was strong enough to kill someone slowly over a week. So after Orochimaru had finally left, Kakuzu put the entire packet into the tea to Hidan to see if it would kill him - it did… for about five minutes. 

“Fucking slithery snake,” said Hidan. “I’ll get him one day for blabbing my secrets.” 

“What secrets?” said Kakuzu. “You told me once you were an open book.” 

“Yeah, to those I know who aren’t gonna fucking blab shit to the pigs.” 

***

That morning, Kakuzu needed to go into work earlier than normal, but found that his car wasn’t in the garage. Unfortunately, Kakuzu had to sell his ute to get several of his most prized possessions back, including four masks he received as a gift from an Polynesian island after aiding in an assassination back in 2001: They were worth hundreds of thousands and Hidan sold them on Gumtree for ten dollars.

Sakura could see something had pissed Kakuzu off more than usual. “How is uh… Hidan?” 

Ever since Kakuzu’s name was cleared, it was somehow leaked to the bank that the reason why Hidan turned up to the bank a lot was because he was Kakuzu’s husband. Kakuzu and Hidan were the main people the staff gossiped about, as their strange relationship seemed interesting to them.

Kakuzu just hummed nonchalantly. 

“Must be in the doghouse,” he overheard a customer say happily to Sakura while they handed over several cheques. “Just like my husband!” 

Sakura laughed nervously, feeling Kakuzu’s glare on her back. “Yes, heh heh.” 

Kakuzu’s day got even  _ better  _ when Hidan turned up and announced in front of the  _ entire  _ fucking bank he’d crashed his car.

“It’s currently in the river.” He said cheerfully to a shocked Sakura. 

Sakura couldn’t quite figure out why Hidan why he crashed Kakuzu’s car, and even more, was confused about his appearance, which was still black and white. “Uh… I don’t think your husband is very happy.” 

“No,” Hidan smirked, looking straight at him. “He won’t help me when I need it. I’m trying to get a divorce.” 

Kakuzu remembered the meditative relaxation techniques he learned in medical school. Breathing in and out in three second intervals, he thought of happy things - such as silence, money, and the time he ran over a cyclist. 

“What did he do to annoy you so much? Kakuzu is a very... um, polite and nice person,” said Sakura. Hidan laughed sarcastically, to the point where his voice became high pitched. 

“We fight over who walks the dog! He shops exclusively at Kmart and IKEA! He picks up five cent coins  _ off  _ the ground, for crying out loud! Who the fuck does that!? N-O-B-O-D-Y.” 

“...And how are you trying to get a divorce?” 

“Abusing his staff, you stupid fucking pink bitch, and destroying his property.” Sakura looked at Kakuzu, starting to look a bit pissed that Hidan had just called her a bitch. He just glanced coldly at them both in return. 

“ _ Kakuzu…! _ ?” She growled. Like Kakuzu, Sakura was also known for her temper.

“I’m still not divorcing you.” Kakuzu turned around, not looking at Hidan but instead at the iPad he used for work. “Go away, Hidan.”

“Make me!” 

After Hidan threatened to sacrifice him to Jashin several times plastic knife and fork he found in his hoodie pocket, Sakura stormed in and declared they both needed to go to Couples counselling. 

“You don’t tell me what to do,” Kakuzu said to her. “I’m your-”  

Sakura raised her eyebrows. “Kakuzu, people leave the bank whenever Hidan turns up. That means less customers, you know!” 

“Good.” said Hidan, crossing his arms. “Now get lost. This is a fight between us.” 

“You don’t tell me what to do, either, you silver piece of shit. Now go wash off that ridiculous makeup.” 

Kakuzu smirked as Hidan stalked out, complaining that women should have never been able to have rights. 

***

Paper Flowers, the floristry Konan owned had a smaller office behind it. Both Kakuzu and Hidan cringed hard as they walked through the door to Pain's office, which had a tiny plaque on it that just said: 

**PAIN**

Konan tried not to stare at Hidan’s panda face as the two entered the office. It was very small, with certificates all over the wall which declared that Pain was legally a lawyer, real estate agent, therapist, masseur… the list went on. A large poster on the far end of the office said  _ Live, Laugh, Love  _ and it made Hidan want to leave immediately. 

Pein did not turn around to greet them. His hair poked out from behind his chair in sharp orange spikes. 

“I have brought you two together for your marriage therapy… three weeks after you’ve gotten married,” Konan said. “What’s going on?” 

“I want a lawyer.” said Hidan immediately. 

Pain spun around on his chair. 

“What do you want, Hidan-” He started, then stopped to stare at Hidan’s complexion. “What have you done to yourself?” 

“It’ll fade,” said Hidan quickly, sitting down. “...Eventually.” He added when Pain raised one single ranga eyebrow. He pointed a black finger at Kakuzu, who looked utterly bored. “I want a legal separation!” 

“Your marriage has been lodged with Centrelink already.” said Konan. “There are plenty of benefits to marriage, you know.” 

“Such as what!?” Hidan complained. “Showing off a ring!?” 

“Sharing accounts, sharing last names, next of kin-” Konan started to say, before Hidan interrupted. Kakuzu looked at his fingernails, wondering when he was able to leave. 

“I can just run his bank accounts dry, we share now, don’t we?” Hidan smirked and crossed his arms, leaning back on the creaking wooden chair. “Money means nothing to me.” 

“Hidan,” Kakuzu drawled. “Are you aware all my bank accounts are with CommBank?” 

“Fucking so!? Like I give a fuck about Cuntbank.” 

Pain and Konan were trying not to laugh. 

“Kakuzu works at the Commonwealth Bank.” Pain clarified. Hidan raised his eyebrows in mock horror. 

“ _ Really?  _ No. Fucking. Shit.” 

“No way you are accessing my accounts.” said Kakuzu, crossing his arms together. Pain and Konan looked at each other and sighed, just as Hidan started back at them. 

“But he can access mine!?” He complained. “I’ll switch to ANZ. Or to a credit union, even though I don’t know what that is.” 

“Considering I’ve been accessing your accounts for… four years now, don’t think that will help.” 

“Why aren’t you helping me!?” Hidan demanded, pointing a finger at Pain and Konan. “They’re the ones who married us! Why are you having a go at me, why not have a go at them!?” 

Kakuzu shrugged. “Don’t really care.” Marriage didn’t actually mean anything to him. It was just another way of getting out of paying a lot of tax. “It was a way to get out of jail if needed; your stupid murder made me a prime suspect.” 

Hidan pretended he didn’t hear what Kakuzu said. “So can we be legally separated? I’m like, waiting for my hot sexy Jashinst girl to come into my life. She will turn up, one day, you know.” 

“Do you know,” said Pain, interrupting their little domestic, “I’ve tried researching on your bizarre religion of yours.” 

“It’s not bizarre, bulletface.” Hidan snapped back. 

“Funny. Because when I type  _ Lord Jashin  _ into Google,” Pain curled his fingers together under his chin and leaned forward, “It asks me if I meant  _ Lord Jesus _ ?” 

Kakuzu had a brief sense of deja vu. 

“That hot, sexy Jashinist girl, are you sure she will turn up?” Pain asked. Kakuzu noticed the angry flash in Hidan’s eyes before he even realised it. Without thinking, Kakuzu stood up, and put one hand in front of Hidan, stopping his fist an inch away from Pain’s nose. 

“I’m gonna fucking kill you one day. Sacrifice you to God!” 

Pain only smirked. “Good luck.” 

***

They left around an hour later, after Konan got them lavender tea to drink. Hidan refused, and muttered something about there being ricin in it and just sat there glowering. Kakuzu, Pain and Konan took their time, commenting on the brand of tea to stretch out the entire conversation on purpose until Hidan went fucking nuts. When Kakuzu started talking about USD to AUD exchange rates in domestic airports, Hidan dragged him out by force. 

“This is more bullshit than the time Zambrero wouldn’t give me a stamp on my loyalty card when I ordered nachos and nothing else,” Hidan was saying, putting his hoodie up to guard against the winter air. Kakuzu wrapped his scarf around his face and began to walk home, Hidan following for some unknown reason. 

“Scripture says I must only marry a woman who is a Jashinist. Kakuzu, you don’t remotely look like a woman  _ and  _ you’re like, a big fat fucking Atheist. This is sinning. And bullshit. This is more of a sin than the time I went eight months without killing someone.” 

“...How many people have you killed?” Kakuzu put his hands in his pockets and walked beside him, Hidan rambling on like a madman, as usual. 

“At the moment, forty-four, but once I get my hands on Pain it’ll be forty-five. How about I kill Pain, get Konan to convert to Jashinism, divorce you, and marry Konan? Then everything will be A-okay.” He gave Kakuzu a black and white thumbs up, barely visible as they moved away from the street lights. The wind blew at their faces, cold and nasty.

“Have you figured out that  _ once  _ you are caught you will be in jail for the rest of your pathetic life.” said Kakuzu, mist forming from his mouth as he spoke. He turned around. “Hidan, go home.” 

“The unit is nearly done!” Hidan protested. “And I’m not going on a bus for an hour and a half.” 

“Go in a cold unit then. I don’t know if you have noticed, but I don’t have a car or a ute anymore thanks to you. Go away.” 

“It’s cold. I will get frostbite  _ and  _ I won’t notice then I’ll be like my fingers have fallen off-” 

“Just shut up, okay? You should have thought of something before you drove my car into a river.” 

“Yeah, it’s still there.” 

“Fucking go and sleep in there then. Go away.”

“Fine, fuck you too.” 

Hidan stepped out into the busy traffic, and walked straight across to the empty bus stop, a advert window rattling away in the wind. Most cars missed him or stopped, or beeped their horns. He threw his hands in the air, then started to stalk back to his estranged husband, arguing, “I will fucking find out how to get a divorce, you money sucking fuck.” He flipped off  Kakuzu, not seeing the car was coming full speed at him until it was too late. Hidan jumped back, the driver jerked to the right - 

There was a screech of brakes, a crash, and between a brick wall and the car, was Kakuzu. 


	2. Cooked Pasta on the Asphalt

“Wake up bitch. I forgot you were immortal. Heh, Jashin definitely wasn’t on your side last night. Look at that cast. Wakey-wakey, Kakuzu.” 

Kakuzu blinked blearily, at the stretched out leg cast in front of him. On the right side, was a massive drawing of a dick done in black marker, the phallus going up to Kakuzu’s thigh and on the other side, drawings of Deidara’s strange-looking clay animals. Hidan’s face was back to normal, and was sneering at some nurse who had come by to check Kakuzu’s vitals.

“You have private health insurance, look at this fancy room,” Hidan pointed at the large, unwieldy TV in the corner of the room, which appeared to be from 1992. “ _ Vintage _ .” 

The nurse smiled at them both, then her eyes wandered to their hands. No doubtedly she was looking for rings. Kakuzu felt very drowsy, after being out for several hours. 

“How long was I out?” 

“Hmm,” said Hidan. “I was planning to have a beard when you wake up.” He scratched his well-shaven chin with one hand, texting on his cracked phone with a fast thumb. “And to tell ya’ it’s 2064, but you’ve only been out twelve hours. I’ve been here like… half an hour myself. Deidara just fucked off. I went and got Zambreros.” He picked up the tight foil wrapper from the burrito and threw it at Kakuzu’s head. It bounced off him. 

“I will leave you two in peace.” The nurse giggled, before exiting the room. 

“Just letting you know… I brought you back to life.” Hidan started humming to Evanescence’s  _ Bring Me to Life _ , but stopped when he realised Kakuzu didn’t know anything about music at all and so singing it made no sense. “As a servant of God, I made a promise,” Hidan took out his cracked phone. “That I’m the one to kill  _ you _ , remember?” 

“...”

“But here, check out your skull, it’s fucking epic!” Hidan shoved his phone in front of Kakuzu’s face to show him a picture. Kakuzu’s skull had been entirely crushed, brains leaking out like someone threw cooked pasta on the asphalt. “I’m gonna fucking frame it.” 

“I can’t even see it?” Kakuzu didn’t have his reading glasses with him, and Hidan’s cracked phone was unintelligible. 

There was a few silent minutes as Hidan grabbed Kakuzu’s phone to send over the picture. When he was done, Kakuzu looked at the unrecognisable flash photo Hidan had taken. The pink rubbery flesh of his brain had splattered on the cement, a piece of red brick embedded in his eye, the other eye hanging down his cheek. It was gory and looked like something out of a horror movie. It was definitely Kakuzu - the blood soaked scarf, scars and coat gave it away. No way would anyone would be able to survive those injuries. He looked back up at Hidan, and  _ almost  _ said thank you, but decided against it, as it was not in his personality to do so. 

“How did you bring me back to life?” 

“Took some of your blood and killed myself, cause you were already dead,” said Hidan, spinning around in a wheelchair that must have been supplied to Kakuzu while he was unconscious. “Well, I think you were. Brain splatter everywhere.  _ Like  _ my ritual but in reverse. Didn’t think it would work. I suppose like, I killed myself to revive you? I dunno. Magic. And no, I didn’t do that fucking disney shit where they slobber each other on the lips.” He did a complete 360, and wheeled himself back to the bed. 

“What about that… liquid… Orochimaru gave me? The vial?” 

Hidan stared. “...You mean the stuff that killed me for two weeks years back in Croatia? I don’t think dying for two weeks would be a wise decision for my stupid fucking husband. Anyway, here’s your get well soon gift.” He got out a large jar, which had a label saying  _ Woolworths Select Minced Garlic  _ half ripped off. “I got you a heart. A  _ real  _ one, mind you.” 

“...Where?” Kakuzu was going to ask if it was his own, looking down at the jar which had a gift wrap bow jammed on the top and flattened. 

“That guy who rammed into you died on impact and his chest was like… hanging everywhere. So I just took it, you know - and guess who it was that rammed you down?” 

“...Pain?” 

“Nah, it was Asuma. Well, it was. He’s dead now.  _ But  _ his heart was on the road before I did anything. Anyway - so you’ve still got a bit of a broken leg, that’s how Itachicunt and Kisamecunt found you.” Hidan grinned and flicked the cast. Kakuzu was waiting for his leg to shoot up in agony, but he felt nothing. 

Slowly, he wriggled his toes. No pain. “I think my leg is healed.” he said to Hidan. 

“Excellent, we can go home then. Or just pretend to be sick and all that shit. Get money for being off work, y’know. That’s why I got this wheelchair here. Gotta pretend you’re fucking normal, somehow.”

***

At the Police Station, on-duty officers Itachi and Kisame were called in to see their supervisor, who was currently reviewing security footage of the car accident they had responded to the night before. “Hidan is well known in the area to local police, and Kakuzu is acquainted with Hidan, Deidara and Sasori. It is said Asuma passed away, too. The footage we have obtained from the incident is very… strange.” 

The two sat down at a desk to watch the footage with their supervisor, and Kisame attempted to make small talk. It failed spectacularly. “I remember Asuma,” said Kisame. “Sarutobi’s son.” 

The supervisor, looking somewhat frustrated, did not respond, but rewinded the video on his computer again and again.. 

“Kisame,” Itachi nodded towards the screen. The footage had seemed to be blacked out, though there had been no reports of anyone tampering with the cameras. 

“There’s another security footage, near Woolworths.” It was the same thing again. The two videos showed the same thing: Hidan and Kakuzu having an argument after leaving Rain Real Estate, Hidan walking into traffic…. 

They decided to replay all of the footage, but could not see anything. “Literally nothing,” said the Supervisor. “We can’t do anything about this. I’m sure the Sarutobi’s will be shocked and disheartened.” 

***

Hidan decided to keep the wheelchair. When Kakuzu finally got home, his broken leg healed from Hidan’s crazy Jashinist powers, he noticed several moving boxes on the lawn and two bicycles out the front. 

“No, no,  _ no _ ,” Kakuzu limped up to Sasori who was holding a box of wood, took him by the scruff of his neck and deposited him by the letterbox, which was on the footpath. Sasori was  _ tiny  _ and according to Hidan, was in his early thirties. He didn’t look older than fifteen. 

“What are you doing to Master Sasori?” Deidara poked his head around the front door. 

“What are you two  _ doing  _ in my house!?” Kakuzu refrained from twisting Sasori’s head so it would snap like a doll’s. 

“There’s a rat in the toilet,” Deidara pointed out. 

“Again? Get rid of it yourself.” 

“Well, our old place is nearly fixed,” Deidara shrugged. “So I’ll be on the couch, yeah.” 

*** 

With Deidara on the couch and Sasori… well Kakuzu wasn’t exactly sure where Sasori slept. He never really saw him except for several cacti being constantly moved everywhere. The point was, it was crowded and it made Kakuzu edgy. 

A doctor came, recognised Kakuzu from his surgery days, shook hands with him and declared Kakuzu was in a full fit of health to go back to work. Hidan then pressured him to extend his sick leave certificate for another week, so Kakuzu could help them move their stuff back into the unit - which, of course, they couldn’t do, as Kakuzu’s car had been taken out of a river, and he was given money straight away for another one by his insurance. 

“The heart in the fridge is going moldy, yeah,” Deidara poked his head in the fridge for the fifth time in an hour. The three of them had already eaten everything in Kakuzu’s pantry except for a tin of sardines and milk powder. “Is it a real human heart?” 

“Yep, my stupid fucking housemate,” Hidan said, moving a box of heavy clay but the door to be moved back to the old place. “I may as well put it in the freezer… your arm was there for a week, after all.” 

Before Hidan got to the door, it rang, so he kicked the door open with his foot. “Ah, fuck,” he said when he looked up at Itachi and Kisame in their dark blue uniform. “I didn’t do nothing wrong this time.” 

“We just want to ask you and Kakuzu a few questions. At the station,” said Kisame. 

“He’s out looking for a new car. I’m not going to the fucking station. What do you want?” 

“So we have concluded that the car accident between you two and Asuma Sarutobi was a complete accident,” said Itachi, looking through his clipboard he had with him, “However…” 

“Did you take the heart of Asuma after the impact of your car collision?” asked Kisame, completing Itachi’s sentence. At this, Deidara moved past him, with a supermarket bag of clothes. 

“Yeah,” said Deidara to the officers. “It’s in the fridge.” 

“Well… he took half my ear, so I took his heart,” Hidan said as his (pathetic) excuse to Itachi and Kisame. “ _ Last Christmas, I gave you my heart… the very next day…”  _

“Stop singing. Just give it back. Withholding evidence.” 

“Say please.”  

“Please, can we have it back for evidence?” asked Itachi. 

“Ugh, fine.” Hidan rubbed his head, and put the box down and turned back to go to the fridge. “Wait... do I have to go to jail?” He called from Kakuzu’s kitchen.

“You took evidence from a crime scene,” Kisame pointed out. “We need it back.” 

“I ain’t gonna get in fucking trouble just for taking his heart? It was on the fucking ground.” Itachi and Kisame stayed put while Hidan went into the fridge to retrieve the garlic jar full of heart, opening the jar and ignoring the putrid smell and threw it in Kisame’s face. 

The heart went t _ hrupp  _ with a cold, wet splash. 

“And that,” said Itachi softly, low enough for Hidan to barely hear, “Is what I call a heart attack.” 

END 

 


End file.
